“I don’t want to be friends with my coworker, surprise phone interviews, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager

I don’t want to be friends with my coworker, surprise phone interviews, and more
my coworkers think I’m an intern … but I’m not
my coworker wants me to give him a fake reference
my employee uses a wheelchair … but I found out he doesn’t really need one

I don’t want to be friends with my coworker, surprise phone interviews, and more

Posted: 21 Feb 2018 09:03 PM PST

It's five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker isn't picking up on my cues that I don't want to be friends

When I started at my company a couple years ago, a coworker, "Sally," invited me to do social things outside of work. We went out for drinks a few times and even did an all-day girls day where I ended up crashing on her couch. After about six months of reasonable normalcy, she became increasingly demanding and almost possessive. In retrospect, her behavior strongly resembled what an abusive ex-boyfriend did to me, except not nearly as subtle. She would ask me to do insanely inconvenient personal errands for her (which I never did), and she attempted to demand that we do more full-day/overnight "girls days," despite me telling her that they were exhausting for me. If I disagreed with her on anything, I get a lecture about why I was wrong, even on things she clearly had no expertise in, like my health. I went on a doctor-approved diet that involved no alcohol, and she pushed hard to get me to drink with her. She continually treated me like a therapist and complained about everything and constantly asked for my verbal validation, but she never expressed any interest in my life. She would buy me slightly-too-extravagant gifts when we clearly did not have that level of friendship, at least from my perspective.

Six months ago, after she pulled a scheduling bait-and-switch to trick me into helping her deep clean her apartment and then directed me around like I was her maid, I decided I was done with being pushed around by Sally. I distanced myself considerably and have made excuses to socialize with her only in coworker groups right after work. However, the more I pull back, the more she acts like we are friends. Now she's saying she wants to "respect my boundaries," so let's just go get lunch since I can't do all-day outings. I've heard that line before from the aforementioned abusive-ex, and I'm not falling for it again.

Sally and I are the only two young women in a medium-sized office where she is considered "intense" by others but is a very productive seller of our product. I am middle-management administrative support for the company. She is more profitable for the company than I am just by nature of our jobs, so I need to be especially carefully of not being seen to start drama. I am certain Sally is going to assume that she is invited to my upcoming wedding—when I'd been dating my now-fiancé for two months, Sally said "If you two get married, I'm invited to the wedding, right?" I was too surprised by the question to answer, and she just kept right on talking as if I'd answered yes. I don't want this insane person who reminds me of my abusive ex at my wedding. I don't want to pay for her to be there, and I don't want to make her think she ranks as a "close friend" in my life. How do I navigate this professionally?

Don't invite her to your wedding. If she asks about it, you can say, "Oh, we're not having anyone from work" or "We have a small guest list" or "Small venue, big families" or any of the other traditional ways of explaining a wedding non-invitation.

I actually think that part will be easily handled, if a little awkward for a minute, but that it's the rest of her behavior is more problematic, particularly that the more you pull back, the more she presses in. It might make sense to have a frank conversation with her (sort of like the one described here). But given her behavior, you might be better off just continuing to be consistently polite but distant, not accepting any of her invitations, and hoping that she’ll eventually back off.

2. Calling candidates without warning for surprise phone interviews

Our department has been growing rapidly this past year, and we've been scrambling to hire a number of new specialized analysts. As part of the interview process, the hiring manager cold calls applicants who have sent in cover letters and resumes. (It does not say in the job posting that the phone interviews will be unscheduled.) Most people who are called don't answer, and the manager leaves a voicemail message, so some get in contact later on to schedule an interview. If they do answer, however, the hiring manager explains who he is, asks the applicant to provide a brief introduction, then proceeds into a series of in-depth technical questions, and wraps up by letting the applicant know he'll be in touch if they passed. This is the only phone interview applicants receive.

If a company I applied to cold called me for my phone interview, I would see it as a red flag, but am I totally off-base? Is this normal?

It's not unheard of, but it's a terrible practice. It's a bad use of the hiring manager's time (he's going to be calling lots of people he can't reach), and it's rude and inconsiderate to candidates (who may be in the grocery store or or walking into a meeting or taking care of a child or so forth).

3. How many times can you turn down offers before a company will stop interviewing you?

I’ve had a phone interview and have been asked to interview in person at a new company. I’m not sure it is what I want to do with my career, and I’m not sure the technical fit is the best. (I didn’t apply directly for this position, my resume was passed around internally and the hiring manager contacted me, if that matters.)

The problem is, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t take the job. Not 100% — they could wow me and convince me it would be a great opportunity. My concern is that if I interviewed for this job and turned it down, they would refuse to interview me again.

On the other hand, I’ve been in my current position for seven years, and I want to start testing the waters and seeing what else is out there. I’m ready for a change of some kind.

Part of my reason for asking is that several years ago I was offered a job and declined it, then later applied at the same company and was told by HR that they don’t reconsider you once you have declined an offer. Do most companies have that policy? Am I making a mistake by interviewing when I’m not sure I want this particular job? How many times can you turn down an offer before a company stops pursuing you?

It depends on the details. There are some companies that have that as an across-the-board policy, but that's weird and misguided. Most employers will not refuse to consider you again if you turned down an offer. After all, you were good enough for them to want to hire last time, so there's a good chance that you will be again. That said, hiring managers will usually want to understand your reasons for turning down the last offer before they move very far with you the second time, so that they can figure out if the same obstacle is likely to appear again.

Of course, the way you turned down the offer last time comes into play. If you misled them in some way (like accepting and then backing out at the last minute), or appeared to be using their offer just to get a counteroffer from your current employer, or handled salary negotiations weirdly (like insisting on a crazy figure that was wildly over even the high end of the market rate for the work), they're unlikely to want to consider you again.

I will say, though, that if a candidate turned down an offer twice, I'd be skeptical that it would go any differently if we got a third application from them. (Although even then, that's not insurmountable; I can imagine a situation where it would still make sense to talk more.)

4. I'm getting the silent treatment after resigning

I gave my notice last week and since then I’ve been getting the silent treatment by my bosses. Prior to my notice, and job hunting, I didn’t have much work as a full-time employee and what I did have was slowly being taken from me. Now I’m getting treated like I don’t exist, I have barely enough work to get me through a full day, and where I could help, my bosses refuse to ask me for the help they need to make the transition. It has been a toxic environment and it got worse since my notice. What can I do?

Rejoice that you are leaving! If they don't want your help in the remaining time you'll be there, that's their call — and they'll be the ones who deal with any aftermath of that decision, not you. That said, you should document your job as best you can in your remaining time, whether they've asked you to or not, simply because it's the responsible thing to do and it may be useful to someone after you're gone.

That said, if they're being openly hostile to you, there's advice here on how to handle that.

5. My boss wants to pay me under the table

I am going from working full-time to part-time (about 20-25 hours per week) at the same small company. My boss wants to pay me "under the table" and write me a check every two weeks. My gut is telling me this isn't a great idea—I guess I'm a stickler for the rules—but I'm not really sure. My biggest concern is the possible tax issues. I don't expect this to be a long-term arrangement, but I don't want to run into any financial issues. What are the pros and cons of getting paid this way? Or is just bad all-around?

Well, it's illegal! And since your employer won't be withholding income tax and Social Security taxes from your check, you'll have to pay all those taxes yourself when you file your tax return next year. That's assuming that you choose to report the income, but it would be illegal not to. And if your employer isn't paying into your Social Security or withholding taxes on your end for it, you're not getting credit for working during that time — which can reduce the amount of Social Security payments you're entitled to after you retire (although that won't be true if you report the income and pay self-employment taxes). Plus, since your employer will be treating you as an independent contractor, you won't be eligible to receive worker's comp if you're injured on the job or unemployment benefits if you lose your job, and you won't be protected by a lot of labor laws.

Basically, this move would save your employer a ton of money while putting you at a number of disadvantages.

I’m in my first post-college job, at a large publishing company in a major city. My position is tailored for recent college graduates, with free workshops, the chance to sit in on exec-level meetings, and opportunities to do work in multiple different departments. It’s a great gig! However, because of the unique nature of this position, and my age/junior level in the company, a lot of people think I’m an intern. I’m not! I’m just new! I am referred to as an intern at least once a week, even though our team is small (less than 30 people), we work closely together, and I collaborate with my coworkers every single day.

Adding to these frustrations, it’s mostly coworkers who are on the same level as me who exhibit this behavior, not managers or higher-level executives. Most people stop when I correct them, but then other people do it — probably four or five people have persisted despite my corrections. Or someone I’ve corrected in person will call me an intern in an email/other written material like a newsletter.

One woman I work with asked me to get her mail and do other menial tasks for her during my first several weeks here, which is a little demeaning when I’m at the same level as her in the structure, just more junior in my tenure here.

Also, I’ve received email threads forwarded to me in which my coworkers refer to me as “the intern” to outside clients, and I usually reply-all to those introducing myself to the client with the correct title and a small description of my role, to reiterate that I am not an intern.

I've talked to my manager about this, and she’s addressed it with individual people, but not the group as a whole, despite my mentioning that several people have done it.

How do I politely correct people when they refer to me as “the intern”? My full title is listed on my desk placard, in my email signature, and in the directory, but people aren’t catching on. I don’t want to seem nitpicky or fussy, but I also don’t want to feel infantilized. The application for the position was incredibly competitive, and jobs like this aren’t common for people at my age in this industry.

Yeah, that's annoying — and it's understandable that it's making you feel talked down to or infantilized, especially when people are doing it even after being corrected.

I'd treat this as two different issues: one is that people who don't know any better mistakenly think you're an intern but get it once you correct them, and the other is that some people are continuing even after you set the record straight.

For anyone who's getting it wrong the first time, the best thing to do is just matter-of-factly correct them: "Oh, I'm not an intern — I'm a llama wrangler." It sounds like that has taken care of it with most people.

But for the people who continue to get it wrong even after you've corrected them, you can point that out and ask them to stop:

* "You know I'm not an intern, right?"
* "I'm not an intern — I'm a llama wrangler just like you are. Can you make sure to get that right when you're talking clients in the future?"
* "I know I've told you this a few times — I'm not an intern. It's weird to keep hearing you refer to me that way."

Beyond that, though … well, sometimes this happens when you look young at work. I know it's annoying, but sometimes people just make assumptions. As long as they stop when you correct them, it's just an annoying thing you may have to deal with. (The people who persist after being corrected are being rude though.)

For what it's worth, part of the problem may be the nature of your position too. You mentioned that it's tailored for recent grads and gives you free workshops and the chance to sit in on higher-level meetings, and lets you work with multiple departments … and that actually does sound kind of intern-ish! So even though you're not an intern, the particular job you're in may just be reading very intern-ish to people.

And annoyingly, there's actually a point where if you make too big of a deal of it, you risk looking overly invested in not being seen as junior staff, which ironically enough can end up coming across as young. You do need to correct if it's causing perception problems with clients, but it might be something where you're sometimes better off letting it go. (In particular, I wouldn't keep pushing your manager to address it unless you're seeing it cause real problems.)

I’m a manager in charge of a division at my company. "Drew," one of the people I manage, uses a wheelchair. When first hired, Drew was told to ask if any accommodation was needed. He has never asked for any. Our area is on the first floor of our building. Our building has elevators and all the doorways are wide enough for his wheelchair. When Drew first began working here, he used public transit. There is a bus stop a few feet outside our front door. Now Drew has a car with hand controls and no one else parks in the space closest to the door. The space has been reserved for him.

Drew has mentioned being a paraplegic but to my knowledge has not elaborated or said anything about how and when it happened. Drew is outgoing and popular, gets along with everyone, and is one of those people who has the gift of being able to talk to anyone. He has an active life and participates in many clubs and athletics. Drew’s work has always been good and I have never had a problem with him or anything he has done.

Why I am writing in to you: Not long ago, I saw a short film online about people who believe they are disabled but are actually not. Drew was in it. He is not a paraplegic and does not need a wheelchair. In the film, Drew walks and is clear that he is not paralyzed and has no actual need for a wheelchair but uses it because he feels as though he was meant to be a paraplegic. It is for sure Drew and it was recently made. At least one of the other people I manage has also seen it. She discreetly came to my office and mentioned it to me.

I’m not sure if I can or should do anything. This doesn’t affect our work, and Drew has never asked for any accommodation and hasn’t tried to defraud anyone out of money, gifts, or anything else. He does not constantly mention being paralyzed or the chair and barely talks about it. I think the lie is abhorrent and awful, but because it is his personal life I am not even sure if I can do anything.

I normally would never say anything about the private lives of the people I manage, but Drew comes to work in the chair and uses it full-time and does mention being paralyzed. I am concerned the company may look bad if anyone finds out and says something. Is this even something I can talk to Drew about?

Well, this is sticky.

Here's where I ultimately end up, and I’ll say up-front that I’m a little out of my depth here so ultimately I’m going to recommend that you consult with someone who isn’t. But based on a quick Google search, it seems plausible that Drew does have a medical condition — just a different one than you thought. Apparently there's something called body integrity identity disorder that can cause this.

Given that it’s reasonably likely that there’s a mental health disorder at play here, and given that it doesn't sound like it's impacting anyone's work, I'd leave it alone. Yes, Drew is getting a parking space that he might not be entitled to, but it sounds like that might just be an accommodation for a different condition than the one you thought it was for.

If other employees ask you about it, you can say something like, "I want to respect other people's privacy when it comes to medical issues, but we'll always try to accommodate people based on what they tell us they need, if we can." (Of course, if you say that, it needs to be true — you can't say that and then turn around and make someone provide reams of medical paperwork to get a chair they can comfortably sit in, or so forth.)

But I do think you need to make your HR team aware of the situation — not in a "we must act on this" way, but in a "this seems like something you should be aware of in case I should be handling it differently, or in case it comes up in the future" way. I tend to recommend heading to HR less frequently than many people do, but you do need to keep them in the loop on anything that raises questions about accommodations or disability protections. And in this case, they should be able to help guide you — or consult with lawyers who can, if they think that’s needed.

I think you’re thinking “I’m his manager so I have to figure out how to handle this,” but this is outside of the typical management stuff that you should handle on your own.

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